I might believe I was beautiful, I didn´t know any better. I might believe I looked younger than my years, and sexy, if I wasn´t so self aware. The camera, the internet, the easy exposure of your body does not make you any more beautiful or attractive in real life, the fantasy of that world apart is often times misleading.
It offers a sort of twisted validation. The rush of instant approval, and the joy of appreciation, regardless of how hollow they are. Seize the moment, seizing the day is too much, too long!
How is it possible to show my intimate parts, talk with the sweetest tone of voice I am capable of, being a woman so coquette that I don´t recognize on the monitor. That is not me, although there are bits of me in that construction. The ability to have orgasms, to enjoy sex, and intimacy, and to talk others into having intimate moments of release.
A world of complete exposure and of impersonation, which makes sense, when we think about the deeper meanings of sex, of libido, and of mating rituals. There are no Prince Charmings, nor Sleeping Beauties in a brothel, and the nature is a big competition for spreading genetic material, a country fair dedicated to self gratification and self preservation, as much as we try to apply religion, ethics, morals… the reptile within our brains cares nothing about such things.
In fact, it cares not about beauty except when it seems to serve a purpose. We are not free from the pre historic beast which inhabit us, and I believe that we need it in order to survive adversities, and that we should create rooms where we could let this beast rear up its head, flex its muscle and state its will to power.
Top of food chain, plain and simple.
It is the beast within me which scans others with a merciless stare, and search for weakness, minor details that might give a clue or advantage, it is the beast that does not trust and does not believe in coaxing words and yet comply… as far as I want. I wish I had had such self awareness when I was 20, I wish I had that level of self control earlier in my life. I wish it was something that could be taught.
The lizard within is unconcerned with beauty, with love or passion, it is not free from itself and it does not are about freedom, and yet it is the happiest and most self sufficient part of any human being. Building from the core to the skin.
No, I don´t believe in anything they say. I am just a lizard, a happy one at that. At least today.